I Never Liked Reheated Soup
Wow. Please give me a moment while I blow the dust off the old keyboard.....thanks.
So, it's been a while since my fingers last uttered my mind's innermost thoughts. Forgive me. "I became too busy;" "Time slipped away from me;" "I didn't feel like it;" "I didn't have anything good to write about...." Blah blah blah. The list can go on. But that's not the reason for returning to you today.
I've managed to do it again. My thoughts, my crazy thoughts have managed to get the best of me...again. How could I be so stupid; so weak as to be bested by something that I should have the power to control. I feel angry. I feel remorse. I feel defeated. And it's all my fault. My worst enemy is the person wearing my skin...me.
Almost two years ago, a piece of me was broken. A situation took place that resulted in the most distasteful "soup." A conglomeration of feelings were chopped up, crumbled and crushed, and thrown into a giant pot where it boiled over a roaring fire on the day of its occurrence. It's main ingredients were a fraction of stewed betrayal, crushed trust, and minced self-esteem. Needless to say, it wasn't very good and I have to admit that it was hard to get through. But we managed.
After several hours of discussion and gallons of snot and tears were collected, forgiveness followed. But it's funny how it works. Your heart can legitimately say, "I forgive you," and mean it (and forget about it), but your stupid brain, as wonderful as it is, takes that "soup," makes it a memory, and stores it on the back burner for later speculation. Ridiculousness.
I sincerely forgave this person. But thanks to the wonderful function of long term memory, this event (or the topic of the event) sits in the front of my brain (the prefrontal cortex to be exact :P), and is thought of from time to time. Yes, I forgave him/her, but sometimes I wonder if he/she still thinks or partakes in stuff like that. Forgiveness was offered, but that little piece of trust that was thrown into the "mix" is a hard thing to get back; even if it was a small piece to begin with.
I don't like to think about it but I just can't help myself sometimes; especially when so many things in my everyday life constantly remind me of it. This paranoia is a curse and it drives me crazy! I no longer blame this person, nor hold any grudges against him/her, but it's difficult to forget and the very mention of it strikes a sensitive nerve and immediately puts me on the defensive.
A simple, harmless question (meant for fun and games) about this particular topic, throws me into a mild frenzy, and my attitude towards it is automatically negative. Because of this, my reaction is a downer and can kill a good mood in seconds. A dead good mood means unhappy people for a period of time. I am a murderer.
And after all this, I still feel angry. I still feel remorseful. I still feel defeated. And even more so, I feel broken.
Gosh! What's wrong with me?? Why can't I just drop the subject and let it go for crying out loud?! Why am I still holding on to pieces of this remnant?
It's because I am not perfect. I am human. I am me. And this "me" will never achieve that unattainable perfection so many strive for. And this "me" will continue to make mistakes or screw up a night that was supposed to be a great one.
I won't always get things right or set the right mood, but I promise, with time, I will get better. I never liked eating reheated soup, and with time, the back burner of this memory will eventually be "turned off," get cold, and be thrown out. Again, it's with time. I did and do forgive you, gentle soul. Please believe that and understand why I get the way that I get in regards to this topic. I ask that you bear with me a little longer. Forgive me and don't give up on me. We will make it through this.
P.S. To my readers, forgive the lack of detail in this post. The person I am referring to knows what I am referring to. It was a touchy subject and not one that I would like to share in detail with others. Please forgive me and many blessings. ~TEC
